Endless negative thoughts and fear – Fear of losing control and hurting his kid

In October 2019, a person, aged 39, shared about his excessive anxiety, due to his endless negative thoughts and fears.. “I am going through excessive anxiety now, which is affecting my day-to-day life. When I say excessive anxiety, it means endless negative thoughts and fear, fear of losing control, what if you lose control and do something terrible – always feel fear. What if I hurt my kid, especially son. If I see any bad news on TV, or social media, like someone committing suicide after hurting his/her family, what if this happens to me, which I know I will not do, but feel very fearful. Even in my own house, sometime I fear to go in other rooms. I stopped going in gym too, due to fear.”

The fear of losing control and hurting his kid was the recent development, which he described as worst, after other negative thoughts and fears, and even shared the fear that will he be back to normal life..

A year earlier, in March 2018, he had some ear problem, and the ENT specialist told him that he has some hear loss in his right ear, and told him to perform MRI. Nurse said it might be tumour, which landed him in excessive anxiety – “What if I got cancer”. MRI result said for minor sinus infection, though his ear bothered him for whole year, and during this whole year, he was going through lot of negative thoughts, like, “What is happening with me; what if I got cancer, tumour, deadly diseases; what my family will do if I die”? In December 2018, he was changing his job, and again was going through a lot of stress, should he change his job? He also was worried for his visa, as he was in US from around four years, though originally from India, and here the thought was, what if his visa gets rejected? What will happen to his house, and many more related thoughts and worries..

Similar negative thoughts and worries in almost every area of his life, like he was working in night shift, and there was a lot of worry for his wife, what if something happens to her in night, as she’s alone in apartment. He even got a panic attack in January 2019, and it landed him in emergency. In emergency, he was feeling as he would have a heart attack, and when he measured his blood pressure, it was very high. Though, doctor told him, he’s healthy, and it’s just an anxiety. The next day he visited his family physician, who put him on Calexa 20mg, and since then he has been on and off it, and get his worries back, when he leaves it, along with withdrawal symptoms initially..

There of course can be a thought of some remedies, with this information, but no pointers towards the right medicine, and the need surely was to understand his life history and personality..

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He lost his mother in childhood, and since then, his general struggle in life started. His father married again, though he never got mother’s love, and his step-mother never really took care of him. He had to struggle with every small-small thing, like for fresh food, clothes, etc, and when things would trouble more, he even would cry in night. His father was an alcoholic, and would invite his friends in their home, daily, for drinking, and this even had weakened further, the already weak financial situation in home, adding to his troubles.

With all this going in life, he couldn’t really concentrate in academics, and even thus failed in 10th standard. Though, then luckily a good teacher picked him, and he passed 10th in the second attempt, securing good marks. After 12th, he moved in his uncle’s house, in another city, and joined a diploma course in IT, Information Technology, there. Uncle was paying his fee for the course/college, as his father being an alcoholic, was not in a position for it. It again was not a good situation for him there, as his uncle would keep on complaining about paying his fee, and that why his father can’t stop drinking and pay for him.

Somehow things passed, and he completed the course. Started working then, beginning with a meagre salary in the beginning, in his uncle’s city itself, while staying in his house, and started giving him almost all his salary, as a payback for helping him. He joined a distant education course too in IT, Information Technology, alongside, and slowly-slowly got better jobs in the same field. Again, he was paying back his uncle, and even started sending money to his father, at the right time. A hard-working person, who was not willing to bow down, in pressure, despite the struggle since childhood, in day-to-day needs, and of course, not to miss the struggle, emotionally as well as financially.

His father was in some land agreement with his uncle, and was paying his uncle rend for using his land for farming. His uncle would send him to collect the rent money, and would also keep complaining to him that his father isn’t paying it rightly. So, emotional pressure here too, apart from in other areas of life.

Despite all this, he slowly made his way to better jobs, and then started his shift to US, in 2009. Got back and forth a few times, between India and US, due to general and visa issues, though finally shifted to US rightly in February 2014. He got married too in 2011, and was blessed with a baby boy, in December 2013.
As he was describing some of his issues, mixed with his personality, he said he’s a perfectionist, and takes every small-small thing very seriously, along with taking a lot of stress for it.

“I get upset very soon if my kids get sick, and get over-worried. Even in a small conversation, I get very angry with wife/kids, but that temperament does not stay long, and we patch-up the same day, when I realize I was wrong. I used to get angry with almost everyone in my family, father, brothers, rather also with office colleagues due to work, and even while driving in traffic.”

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As I was thinking to look for the medicine, it was getting clear that I need to focus on his personality, instead of anxiety of fear of diseases and hurting his kid, and then look for the match with this aspect too. Despite being not treated well, or in a way abused, by his step-mother, and even the same kind of treatment by his father, he never shared any anger due to them, or a victim-aggressor situation, which is indicative of a medicine in animal kingdom. The same state of being abused was there from his uncle too, instead of a proper help in a good way, be it would have been by asking for payback later, politely. Despite all this, the emotional and mental pressure that he faced always, didn’t let him share his story with anger. Instead, he always managed in all these tough situations, somehow, walking a tight rope, and worked hard slowly and gradually, to make his life. This either indicated for a remedy in mineral kingdom, or a family of plants, Rutaceae, was an immediate thought in my mind.

The family Rutaceae has the theme of doing things perfectly, working hard, despite situations of abuse, without letting oneself complain or lament. This family was my first priority to look into, though I even checked some mineral remedies, before looking properly into it. As I was not led to anything right in the mineral kingdom, in my initial look, I read the remedies in the Stages between 8 to 13, properly, in Rutaceae (Jan Scholten). This is my way generally, even if I’ve a proper inclination to any particular stage. I make sure by checking more remedies, if any other one has a proper match.
He’s a hard-working person, and even perfectionist, as he states (possibly Stage 8, 9 or 10), managing (Stage 11) or fighting or struggling through (Stage 12) his tough state, of family relations and related abuse and pressures, and despite all this, making his way to success.

As I read into Ruta graveolens, which is a remedy known otherwise for healing injuries, bruises, fractures, injuries to muscles, tendons, etc, I saw a parallel here, in his fears of hurting, or in a way injuring his kid! We generally think of Ruta for healing injuries, and use it in either quite lower potencies or mother tincture for that. Though, we never look into its mind symptoms, and what would they reflect, particularly if a person would be made of this energy, or in other words, would then have it as his constitutional medicine!

As I looked into its mind symptoms carefully, I got these words, from Robin Murphy’s MM, “Frequent anxiety, with despondent thoughts and fear; Fear of death, during fever; Anxious restlessness; Anxious all day, as though he had done something wrong”. What strong matches, with anxiety, and his fears! “Fear of death with just fever” – indicating very rightly for his overthinking of fear of diseases, like tumour and cancer, when actually nothing of such sort would be there. “Anxiety all day, as though he had something wrong” – indicating in a way of his wrong thinking, of what if he hurts his kid, and then remaining in a worried state because of that.

Putting his words again too, where he stated his strongest fears, “I am going through excessive anxiety now, which is affecting my day-to-day life. When I say excessive anxiety, it means endless negative thoughts and fear, fear of losing control, what if you lose control and do something terrible – always feel fear. What if I hurt my kid, especially son. If I see any bad news on TV, or social media, like someone committing suicide after hurting his/her family, what if this happens to me, which I know I will not do, but feel very fearful. Even in my own house, sometime I fear to go in other rooms. I stopped going in gym too, due to fear.”

He even had shared another of his aspect to me, and I put it here now, as earlier to me too, it didn’t seem to offer much, to help in finding the right medicine. “I am fitness freak too – I wanted to be fit person and used to go to gym, I used to run a lot, I ran half marathon, plenty of 10,000 meters and 5000 ones. I injured my knee, so stopped running, but I still would go to gym, kick-boxing and jiu-jitsu. Though, nowadays I’ve stopped going in gym too, due to fear.”

It easily reflects the opposite polarity of Ruta graveolens, wherein, instead of injuries to one’s muscles, tendons, bones, etc, a person is rather into such things, which may cause that! Kick boxing and jiu-jitsu, very proper examples for that, and of course even running a lot, especially marathons. And not to miss, that he stopped running after actually injuring his knee, and then slowly even other things, due to fear! A very different way of energy expression in him, of Ruta graveolens of course, than what we see generally, and all these matches, didn’t leave any confusion in my mind, to go for the medicine.

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Thus, Ruta graveolens 1M, in pellets/pills, dry dose, is given at right times, as per the need, beginning on November 14, 2019..

Initially there wasn’t much improvement, and there were some good days at times, but then the negative thoughts and anxiety of hurting his kid, would again hit back. Sometimes it would feel that the dose prescribed is less, and sometimes it would feel that it’s more. Though, after initial adjustments, and these normal ups and downs itself, the things started getting a little better by February end, in 2020.

February 27, 2020: “The situation is improved, compared to earlier state, though sometime I feel low, like once in a week or so, but that is not high, as it was earlier.”

March 25, 2020: “Things are good, and I am feeling much better, compared to earlier state.”

April 22, 2020: “I felt some stress on April 20. I was observing it and it seems like today it came to normal.”

The feedback and improvements may seem in one liners, but that is how he generally wrote, and the only real time of confusion was in finding the right medicine first, and then the initial time after beginning with the medicine, struggling to find the right dosage, that he really needed. After that, it was comparatively easier task, though still, a proper care was always needed to reduce the doses rightly, as the doses reduce in general, with improvements. So, that was always needed, and even taken care for, very rightly..

July 30, 2020: “Things are better compared to last month. Please let me know about the next doses.”

September 1, 2020: “Things went fine this month also, with a little bit stress.”

November 1, 2020: “My health is good compared to last month, with very little negative thoughts.”

December 1, 2020: “With God’s grace, things went very well this month.”

As I shared, doses were decreased too at right times, as in general, the doses decrease with time, with improvements. And at times, an increase in the stress for some days, would indicate for that, like in the next feedback.

February 14, 2021: “Compared to last few months, this month the stress went up.”

And the situation improved again, with decrease in the dose rightly..

March 20, 2021: “This time went very well compared to last time and I am doing good.”

July 12, 2021: “Things went well during this period.”

October 21, 2021: “Last two months went pretty well.”

January 5, 2022: “Things went pretty well, and I took the last dose today! I was traveling, so forgot to take it on Jan 3!”

June 30, 2022: “Things are going fine here. No major concern from my end.”

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And he has been doing well after that, with doses needed at right times, just to keep him healthy, as per his constitution or need..

Published by hmpathy

Homeopath, Author

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